He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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