He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
