he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
