currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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