Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
