get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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