new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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