His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
