she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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