I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
