I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
