if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
