I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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