dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
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