its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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