I can't watch pbs sober anymore
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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