was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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