theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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