She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I supernannyed him into submission
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
