Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize