when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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