I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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