when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
