i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i dont even know how to be here
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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