i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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