when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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