Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
