I just cut my nipple shaving
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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