Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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