Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
