Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
