Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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