I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
