The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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