Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
