and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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