This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
