true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
