thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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