He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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