I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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