i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
