Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
