She said her name was "party"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
