Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
