i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
