i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
