Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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