is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
