Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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