Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
