this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
