Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
