you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
