I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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