Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
