Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
