u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Two words: nipple clamps
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