Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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