sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You ruined the universe
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
