this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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