Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
