Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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