You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
