all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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