Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
