The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
