You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
